Judgment: Insight Deficit

Judgment: Insight Deficit


How is it feasible to claim knowing a person so well, whilst still up to your ass in personal research, searching for yourself?

Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unknowing. People live in a perpetual learning curve, socially defined as life. One of the myriad daunting issues associated with human evolution is how this learning curve is single handedly transforming itself into an extraneous frame of reference. Do you ever find yourself losing concentration in things? Try paying attention to your thoughts when you find yourself day dreaming and indubitably you will find that no work can be accomplished with that much internal noise. It is like trying to read a beginners guide to the 8-character Brainfuck coding language or reading The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, whilst everyone and their mother are hovering over you, pestering you with inane questions.

Even a nobody like me is constantly uncovering, for others, new facets of themselves. Things they have yet to discover or are still struggling in recognizing about them self. Inquisition goes a long way. I am like a broken record all damn day long, “Why? Why? Why? Why?”. Combine that with the echt curiosity of the human brain and you get a psychoanalyst (or psycho- it is your canvas after all).


I was taught to perform my research from the side line, to quietly observe. However, after MAL’s death I found my research to be much more blunt and easier in procuring from first asking the subject if I may psychoanalyze them. They eat that shit up.

Who would not want to be paid close attention to by a person who is only seeking to help them? Fuck, I wish I knew someone like that. I could certainly use them right about now. 😉


Sometimes, finding the answers to a person’s problem(s) can be extremely time consuming and feel like eternal work. A method that works infallibly for me, is the elementary method: Process of Elimination. Simply keep all your current lifestyle habits as constants, continue doing you as you would normally. Then, choose a small aspect of your daily routine, alter it drastically and keep it that way. Slowly, one by one, change a small piece of your life and it is guaranteed that you will find the source of your problem and sometimes the answer too.

Oh and one more thing…pay the fuck attention!

No one could know another fully because no one dies with the knowledge of all that constitutes their own self, in the first place.

You could be on your deathbed leaving me in a few minutes, I look up to you, slip your cock out of my mouth and whisper, “Be curious, not judgmental.” You might ask where I learned those words and I would remit, Walt Whitman. In that very moment you might find yourself interested in something new, a new sage’s insight. Or, you could tell me to shut the fuck up and finish what I started and adopt a new love for having your asshole stimulated whilst climaxing.


There is no end to learning about You, so never presume to say you know another so fucking well. Get your priorities straight. Take care of your self, take care of your mind. Property (I.e. your mind) is always #1 priority. This idea should bear the same stature in an M/s relationship too, no?

With money, it is a priority; keep it safe and yours, I mean fuck, you worked your ass off for it. You keep it secured in a bank, locked away in a safe, or stashed away safely in your wallet, that never leaves your side, pocket and/or purse. You think about money all the time; how to use it properly and how to abuse it; who you can loan it to; how to manage it effectively; what facets of your life to invest it in; etc, etc. In society your money conveys your worth, much like the property to a Master in the BDSM community.


Property is property. If you do not care for it properly, it will decrease in value and molder into a worthless piece of shit. However, as the saying goes…one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. There is that fucking perspective again. 😉

The placed value in an M/s or D/s relationship should lie in its principle. I, personally, know that what I need is to be put in my place. Not only do I need it but I appreciate it when it is done with respect and genuine intention. I am a hard-headed, strong woman; I want Dominance, I need it. I feel like I push too hard, I push so hard that all these “men” seem to break before they break me. Are You not strong enough or do you just not have the incentive? Scared to cause pain or apprehensive in putting in that extra effort?

Why live in a reverie, always running full bore towards a desired lifestyle of tomorrow; never truly satisfied with what is in front of your fucking face. Be it financial freedom, fame, fortune or just the American dream, we are perpetually running to attain, rather than enjoy the present endeavor itself. On a more personal note, I think it would make me physically ill to add up all the time I have worked and calculate its percentage according to my 28 years and 71 days of life here with you folks. I am always so sullen about how much of my life I waste working. As I looked up at the aurora borelis not too long ago, in Tok Junction, AK, I thought, “Fuck…this moment is what makes all the suffering worth it.” Then I questioned if a mere few seconds in time could really make 16 hours a day valuable to me.



I do not work because I value it, I work because I value the work ethic. I go to work everyday because I admire the thirst for hard responsibility- physically and mentally. I have no value for working the job, rather the principle…of ‘playing the game’.

If you find yourself judging others ask yourself, “Do I really understand what is going on here?”



**** like a Businessman

MUST read with businessman mentality


Being a sappy, haplessly faithful, monogamous woman, I have always wholeheartedly believed that with love, anything is possible. Now, I am certain that I made a colossal fallacious assumption….


After treading along in a Vanilla lifestyle for so long, you get caught up in the whole ‘love’ ordeal. Although it is not actually a real thing, society Frankenstein’d the somaesthesia because it is something so unprecedented.  False societal propaganda at its best.


So what is this erroneous postulation? Well, as an inexorable believer of true love, then accidentally stumbling upon BDSM, I intertwined the two.  I assumed the M/s relationship had to founded on love.  What a misconception.  All this time…searching for love in lieu of a substantial fertilizer for such an intense relationship.  I was making the wrong qualifier the most essential.



If trust, instead of love, was the foundation of an M/s relationship…would the qualifiers not differ?


I thought slavery was to be a gift, relinquishing my free will with the choice to take it back at any moment. How selfish.  Slavery is more of an encumbrance than a gift by far.  Any property takes copious amounts of work to maintain and kept at its highest value.  The M/s relationship is just the same.  Think of how much you are asking of someone when requesting for them to take on the full responsibility of reigning over your life.  Now I cannot shake the thought that a business transaction would be more appropriate for two serious individuals seeking out a variant of the TPE relationship.


All business transactions have negotiations, they have compromises and red lining. Sound familiar?  I am looking for the right investor to commit to some very remunerative property.  Naturally, there are terms and conditions, fine print and bold clauses.  Looking at the M/s relationship through this perspective is a real eye-opener.  No longer is slavery a gift, rather a burden.


I think it would be asking a lot of someone to bear the weight of another person’s life on their shoulders as they ambitiously shot-put their own. Not only am I asking them to take the reigns of my life in their own hands but, I am also asking for their patience and valuable time to teach me exactly how to serve them in the way only they desire.  Thinking like a businessman…it somehow just does not seem like a fair bargain.  Pretty sure, short term, Master’s get the short end of the stick.


There is nothing generous about turning over a life to someone, let alone obliging them with the responsibility of completely retraining this person to adhere to “proper” standards. Where is the accommodation?  Ah, unconditional service.  Exchanging one extreme for another.


As a die-hard altruist and past the point of Shangri-la, only cataclysm prevails.  It can be lonely, living with the knowledge that individual purpose is at best an abstractedly, simulated formula.  Vexation can be too real of an infliction, as I have been the Master of my own life for over two (2) decades now and I am getting exhausted with waking up…every damn day…desperately searching for a motivator to press on, just for myself.  I do not want anything for myself anymore, I found enlightenment and am ready to go…anytime now.


The problem of living with our inner-Master lies in the biological process; as we grow we get wiser and more guileful. Thus, we learn how to ignore and justify opposition of the inner-Master.  What is worse for an altruistic woman, her inner Master is always enraged; He sees her as unreliable, weak, selfish, perpetually dubious and frankly…just a waste of space.  I guess that if any little slave always put her Master last-24/7-He would not envision life so enthralling, especially after a 27 year commitment.


We all love our inner-Master but, that does not necessarily mean it runs concurrent with how much we respect Him/Her.


I need help. I really need it.  What is fucked up is that I can admit it, I understand my desperate state, but accepting help from someone…no matter how loud I yell it from Murphy Dome..I will never take it.  I deprive myself for myriad reasons, reasons I wont bore you with.  My point?  Oh, ya that thing.  😉


After one finishes serving their inner-Master what next? No orgasm nor erotic enema can fill that hole.   😉  Luckily the BDSM subculture provides a means by alleviating this progressively neglected mental state. Nothing sounds more blissful to a true slave than the thought of never having to think about his/herself ever again.  To infinitely live wholeheartedly for another…what ineffable bliss.


It is an awful lot to ask for, the complete responsibility of diligently working to instill value into something so utterly ignominious.   My steel frame of mind is comprised of scraps, all weak substance.  However the welds, the psyche welds are so strong they can withhold the weight of a 5,000 foot skyscraper.  This little slave has a problem with valuing the aesthetics of her life; what she cannot see is important to her- the welds behind the sheetrock, wallpaper and furniture.


So fucking sick and tired of being let down by love, 27 years of looking for an intangible inconvenience. Not a solitary person has come close to the inner-Master I possess, how about you?  First ask yourself, “Do I know what I need?”  Then ask, “Has anyone come close to satisfying these needs?”  I have been so deuteranopic throughout the course of my life because of living with love blinders on. There is no time like the present to start being realistic.


I seek a Master, not a man, who is willing and able to handle all of who I am. In return, unconditional, sempiternal servitude.  In attaining the quintessential M/s relationship, it is not a person one should seek out, rather the role S/He/s/he exists as.  It is an Owner I seek; not a husband, boyfriend, nor fuck buddy; I do not want kids, nor a career; and not looking to build a house nor a family.


You know, I was just thinking….


Perhaps this is what love is. I mean, you cannot define it, its definition literally would not parallel one person to the next.  Maybe this little slaves needs for ownership…maybe this is her definition of love.  Is it possible she has been trying to attain happiness backwards?  It is simply ownership that bears more value to her than love?  Is it so hard to believe that a person would desire real help through such an extreme milieu?


So unrealistic and ass-backwards trying to make a Master out of love, when really it is much more pragmatic and efficacious the other way around.  How is it that love could not appear within the scintillating color, stroke and textures of such an abstract relationship?  If love can not be manifested from the genuine interest of a person’s desire to better another, well, I must be fucking gaumless in the comprehension what true love could be.  But hey, no one is perfect.  😉




Fear His unknown


What if I told you that death is an enlightenment?  Skip past the oxymoron, stagger around the partisanship emotion, and you will find yourself asking, “How?


Fear; an innate survival skill, rarely ever acknowledged as such.  Without it comes great risk and with great risk comes opportunity.  Your gross opportunity will ten-fold without suppression of influence-without fear.  Some say motivation is what pushes us…I claim fear.  What about you?  What current goals of yours are fueled by fear?


Fear of rejection.  Fear of reclusiveness.  Fear of financial instability.



What about, truth, do you fear it or resent it?  Do you hide from or deny it?  Why?  If you are having troubles in your life there is an economical, demythologized and practical method to ridding of it…change.  Yes, the most humbling action any person could pursue….  It takes a smart person to know the difference, it takes a strong person to make the difference.  Are you making differences or merely acknowledging them?


Tell me…better yet, tell yourself, why so fearful of change?  Is it truly so difficult or does the difficulty encode itself within the projection of a perspective?


I do not know what everyone is so afraid of…everything all just seems to encrypt itself down into a particular perspective.  Most fear is contingent on things being black and white, right and wrong.  However what about the exceptions?  There is an exception to every rule.  Thus, a grey area must always be applicable.  And if a grey area is always applicable, then there is truly no such thing as black and white or right and wrong.    (Personal boundaries perhaps?)


It is because of this opaque truth, fear prevails.  We coerce ourselves into thinking there has to be this black and white.  For an example, religion, spirited for convenience, is only a means to justify action and thought.  In the BDSM subculture, limitations parallel the same purpose in creating this socially accepted, comfortable convenience for delineating a black and white mirage.  Everyone and their kinky grandmother places limitations on their BDSM relationship because their fear justifies the restriction.  However, life is just not that simple, and making it so, at least for this little slave, appears rather ho-hum.


Personally, just because I fear the polygamy relationship does not make it wrong in reality; it is just a personal fear I have denoted as a black.  In reality there are also copious amounts of white.  Only my perspective hinders the grey from surfacing- a limitation at its best.


So if a grey area is an exception, what is an exception?  Choice?  Yes, individual choice, derived from personal regard, manifested into an exception to the rule.  The grey area.  It is a dangerous and stifling habit to often apply perspective to everything; generally because it directly influences your choices unknowingly.


With respective perspective there can never be a black nor white.  It is never going to be what it is, when it is what you say it is.  We need to learn how to relax when we walk into a new neighborhood or the wrong one for that matter.  Hell, if you are going to get shot, mugged, raped or beaten to death, it is what it is.  What is there to be afraid of?  The truth is not scary, for it is what it is; perspective is but the culprit capable of making it anything other than.


This little slave practices using no perspective with the exception of utilizing it in another’s shoes.  There is only one main reason why I individually choose no sugarcoating or additional cherries…it is the most efficient way to learn.  By way of empirical knowledge, when I learn something the hard way it fucking sticks fast and unrelentingly.  I mean I only have around 80 years to live…there is way too much to learn and I am so fascinated by it all.  What about you?


It has been a long and demoniacal love affair with the grey area.  So volatile, countless formulas and algorithms; especially with the human race.  Seeing so bluntly gives you the opportunity to expose it so.  Much like BDSM, it is a raw, maverick, eye-opening subculture.  What a beautiful way to expand horizons.  Being so different is the most beneficial and expeditious way to get people to think outside the box.  If you want to open eyes be fucking different.  And hey, it never hurts to make the other guy look compos mentis from appearing so fucked up, at least through altruistic eyes.



During the course of another day at work, my boss was in an uproar about my driving skills, being a woman and all.   In an angry tumultuous shout he sternly barks, “So, what the fuck are you good at?!”  A wave of excitement came over me, rarely do many opportunities arise where you are permitted to be bluntly honest and genuine.  I smiled and calmly replied, “Fucking.”  You know, I never saw a man jump so high from his truck seat before.  😉


Do not fear the truth and do not fear in the exposure of it.  It only feels more comforting to know that there is a right and wrong, it makes life appear a lot easier.  Just follow the directions on the box and you will more than likely get what you payed for.  However, it is the stuff that you cannot buy with perspective that possesses the substance you will need to go the distance.  Follow your natural fears, the primitive ones, needed for survival.  All the other shit is just stuff made up from another flawed eye.


Limitations in any D/s or M/s relationship are merely conveniences akin to religions; you do not need to humble yourself…ever…and life ripples along swimmingly.


So caught up in you and your damn restrictions, what the fuck about your partner?  What, so enthralled by calling the shots that you forgot about the input of the one and only person you spread your legs to so vulnerably?  Just because one “Master” ruined your bestiality fetish from not properly inserting the damn hamster, does not mean you have to black list the circumstance forever.  The fetish is not wrong, your experience was just a little grey.  Hey, every experience is grey, every experience is tailored to how you felt about it and also how you currently feel about it.  Just never forget that experience does not equate to the truth.  Unlike the truth, all things can go either way, depending on how you look at it.  😉


A wise man once told me that experiences are neither good nor bad-they just are.

Everything just is.


As long as there remains an exception to a rule, there will never be a black and white.


















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